On Being 57 and 58: A Year of Wine and Oil

“And it will be if you diligently obey My commandments… I will give rain for your land at the proper time…and you will gather in your grain, your wine and your oil.”   There are 613 commandments in the Torah ranging from honor your mother and father, to not benefitting from an ox condemned to be…read more

On Being 56: The Year of Living Jewishly

At sunset on December 4th, 1972, a 12 year old boy featuring a teen-age-not-yet-shaved-but-should-have-been-but-it-was-too-embarassing-because-none-of-the-other-kids-were-so-hairy moustache was waiting at the yellow Formica kitchen counter.  To the right a glass fish bowl with 2 guppies looking pretty good despite having had 10’s of babies 2 days before which had been immediately removed and given to the neighbors…read more

Jewish Grandmothers

A Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell”. “Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”? “You’re coming empty handed?”

Jewish Marriage

A Jewish husband is seriously injured in a car crash and is bandaged from head to toe. His doctor tells him the worst news is that his penis has been completely severed from his body and could not be found in the wreckage. The man emits horrible sounds of sorrow and loss until the doctor, trying to reassure him, tells him that there is a new artificial penis that is as good as a real one and will not cost him anything. His insurance will provide ten-thousand-dollars which he can apply to the $10,000 cost of the new penis as well as the necessary surgery. The only remaining concern, the doctor says, is the fact that there are only two models. One is five inches and the other is the—but the insurance will pay for either. He only has to choose. The physician adds, “You obviously will need to consult with your wife. Five may be too small for her and ten too large. So ask her and be sure to tell her the insurance will pay for whichever.” A couple of days go by and the doctor revisits the Jewish husband. He asks him if he had an opportunity to consult with his wife about which size penis to choose. The husband says, “Yes.” The doctor then asks, “the five or the ten?” The Jewish husband answers, “We’re getting granite countertops.”

Jewish Hope

A Jew, a Frenchman, and a Russian are stranded on a small island with sharks swimming all around and no other land in sight. Nor is there any food or water. After days pass, the agitated Frenchman, who envisions his end, howls at their fate. The Russian joins him with shouts of despair. The Jew? He tells the other two he has no worries. He is absolutely certain he will be found. “How can you be sure?” asks the Frenchman. “Yes” echoes the Russian, “How can you say that?” The Jew says: “I made a pledge to the United Jewish Appeal. They’ll find me.”

Jewish Mothers

A Jewish mother gives her son two ties on the first night of Hanukkah. The following morning, when he comes down for breakfast, he is wearing one of them. The mom says, “What’s the matter—you didn’t like the other one?”

Jewish Grandmothers

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”

We know

A man approaches an American, a Pole, Russian and an Israeli and says, “Excuse me, gentlemen, but I am taking a survey and I would like to know your opinion of the meat shortage.” The Pole asks, “What’s meat?” The Russian asks, “What’s an opinion?” The American asks “What’s a shortage?” and the Israeli asks, “What’s an opinion?”

Marriage

A Jewish man was going to visit Auschwitz with his wife. The couple had been fighting the4 night before and the next morning were still fuming. When the tour ended, the wife, her eyes streaming with tears, said to her husband, “That puts everything in perspective and ought to make both of us realize how foolish our fighting was.” The husband gave his wife a cold look and said, “It’s too late. You ruined Auschwitz for me.”

Definition of Kvetch

A Jewish man has a talking dog. He asks the dog to “Go fetch!” Instead of fetching, the dog berates the man with a barrage of complaints about how it doesn’t get enough walks, Mild Bones, petting, or sniffing and running time with other dogs in the park. “What’s this? the owner asks his talking dog. “I simply asked you to go fetch.” The talking Jewish dog says, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said ‘kvetch.’”