A Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell”. “Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”? “You’re coming empty handed?”
A Jewish husband is seriously injured in a car crash and is bandaged from head to toe. His doctor tells him the worst news is that his penis has been completely severed from his body and could not be found in the wreckage. The man emits horrible sounds of sorrow and loss until the doctor, trying to reassure him, tells him that there is a new artificial penis that is as good as a real one and will not cost him anything. His insurance will provide ten-thousand-dollars which he can apply to the $10,000 cost of the new penis as well as the necessary surgery. The only remaining concern, the doctor says, is the fact that there are only two models. One is five inches and the other is the—but the insurance will pay for either. He only has to choose. The physician adds, “You obviously will need to consult with your wife. Five may be too small for her and ten too large. So ask her and be sure to tell her the insurance will pay for whichever.” A couple of days go by and the doctor revisits the Jewish husband. He asks him if he had an opportunity to consult with his wife about which size penis to choose. The husband says, “Yes.” The doctor then asks, “the five or the ten?” The Jewish husband answers, “We’re getting granite countertops.”
A Jew, a Frenchman, and a Russian are stranded on a small island with sharks swimming all around and no other land in sight. Nor is there any food or water. After days pass, the agitated Frenchman, who envisions his end, howls at their fate. The Russian joins him with shouts of despair. The Jew? He tells the other two he has no worries. He is absolutely certain he will be found. “How can you be sure?” asks the Frenchman. “Yes” echoes the Russian, “How can you say that?” The Jew says: “I made a pledge to the United Jewish Appeal. They’ll find me.”
A Jewish mother gives her son two ties on the first night of Hanukkah. The following morning, when he comes down for breakfast, he is wearing one of them. The mom says, “What’s the matter—you didn’t like the other one?”
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”
A man approaches an American, a Pole, Russian and an Israeli and says, “Excuse me, gentlemen, but I am taking a survey and I would like to know your opinion of the meat shortage.” The Pole asks, “What’s meat?” The Russian asks, “What’s an opinion?” The American asks “What’s a shortage?” and the Israeli asks, “What’s an opinion?”
A Jewish man was going to visit Auschwitz with his wife. The couple had been fighting the4 night before and the next morning were still fuming. When the tour ended, the wife, her eyes streaming with tears, said to her husband, “That puts everything in perspective and ought to make both of us realize how foolish our fighting was.” The husband gave his wife a cold look and said, “It’s too late. You ruined Auschwitz for me.”
A Jewish man has a talking dog. He asks the dog to “Go fetch!” Instead of fetching, the dog berates the man with a barrage of complaints about how it doesn’t get enough walks, Mild Bones, petting, or sniffing and running time with other dogs in the park. “What’s this? the owner asks his talking dog. “I simply asked you to go fetch.” The talking Jewish dog says, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said ‘kvetch.’”
Feldman comes down to breakfast one morning He’s sitting at the table having his breakfast. His wife’s across the table as usual, with the newspaper in front of her. She suddenly drops the paper, looks at him, and says, “I’m through with you.”
He says, “what are you talking about? We’ve been married for forty years.”
“Yeah and for forty years you’ve been a schmuck. The day I met you you were a schmuck; I just didn’t realize it. For forty years you’ve been the essence of schmuckness. You’re such a schmuck, you’re the second biggest schmuck in the whole world.”
Feldman says, “If I’m such schmuck, how come I’m only the second biggest schmuck in the world?’
“Because you’re a schmuck.”
A sign at the theatre says: “Tonight, Herschel the Magnificent Jew – 8 o’ clock”. So the fella decides to go take in the show. At 8 o’ clock, Herschel comes out in a dressing gown, takes it off and he is stark naked from head to foot. In between his legs is the biggest member you have ever seen. Herschel walks over to a table where there are 3 walnuts. He takes his member and he smashes each one in turn, to smithereens! The crowd go wild.
20 years later the fella is in the same city and he sees the same theatre and unbelievably, the same sign: “Tonight, Herschel the Magnificent Jew – 8 o’ clock”. So he decides he must see this again to see if it is really the same thing he saw 20 years ago. Sure enough, at 8 o’ clock, Herschel comes out in a dressing gown, takes it off and he is stark naked from head to foot. In between his legs he still has the biggest member you have ever seen. Herschel walks over to a table where there are 3 coconuts. He takes his member and he smashes each one in turn, to smithereens! The crowd go wild again.
Of course, the fella decides he must see Herschel after the show and when he meets him he says “Herschel, 20 years ago, I saw your act. It was amazing but it was with walnuts. 20 years on, it’s coconuts; what changed?” and Herschel says…”My eyes aren’t as good as they used to be!”